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Most of us are convinced that the Golden Rule holds the secret to a good life. Many of my clients live by it, no matter their religion. How can you go wrong if you “do unto others, as you would have them do unto you?”
My youngest son asked me about this rule one time, parodying the most common interpretation: “So mommy, does that mean if I give you a dollar, you’ll give me a hundred dollars?” At the time he was saving for an electric guitar. If I remember, I ended up with four one-dollar bills and he, the $400 guitar.
I’ve made the same mistake, over and over. I reason that, “If I’m nice unto this person, he or she will be nice unto me.” The problem is that we can’t control others’ behavior through our own. If someone wants to be problematic, pushy, angry, or cruel, that’s his or her decision. It’s not open to popular vote and seldom, our personal protest. This line of reasoning suggests that the Universe resembles a gigantic slot machine. In goes a wish – out comes what we want.
Isn’t this idea somewhat similar in concept to “The Secret” or the “Law of Abundance“? Both spiritual motifs assume that we can get what we want (or change others) through positive thinking. I’ve seen the tragic results of this insane assertion.
My client Martha serves as an example. A born-again Christian, she spent fifty years with an abusive husband. She stayed because her church congregation insisted that her and her patience, fortitude, and prayers, reflective of the Golden Rule, would present him an appealing model.
On his deathbed, her husband “gave his life to Christ.” The church members were thrilled; her lifetime of godliness had proven irresistible. She had won her husband a place in heaven. I, however, saw it differently. In front of her pastor, I blurted out the observation that this poor woman’s life was a study in heartbreak. She had “lost” fifty years to an abusive man when she might have spent those fifty years with a kind, loving husband-or exploring her own well being.
I know I’m stretching grammar. Read differently, the Golden Rule isn’t suggesting that we give to get, even though many people approve that interpretation. It could also be translated this way: “Treat others in a good way no matter how they are treating us.” This attitude shifts the reward from external to internal, a definite improvement by any spiritual measurement. But is this approach really practical, at least all of the time?
Years ago I worked with a mother of two children. She was married to an alcoholic who was physically and emotionally abusive to she and her children. Her priest insisted that it was wrong for her to leave her husband under any condition. Rather she should invoke the Golden Rule and treat him with honor and respect because that is the right way to be, regardless of the others’ behavior.
I asked her if a loving God would really condone the abuse of a child. She said “of course not.” I then asked why she did. By remaining with this man she was implying that God approved of child abuse, not only of “the little ones,” but also of herself, a child of God. While she didn’t need to be “mean” to him, was it necessary or ethical to sacrifice herself and her children in order to be “nice”?
I’m an intuitive consultant and energy healer. I don’t pretend to be a priest, pastor, rabbi, or spiritual guru. I’m not in the “habit” of wearing habits. The only halo I’ll be handed in Heaven (if I get there) will be a bottle of Clairol Ultra Blonde; the only wings, the ones the pilots pin on your coat when you’re flying the friendly skies. I do know, however, that the Golden Rule must sometimes be qualified by what I call the “Brass Tacks” rule, which is this:
When in doubt, do what’s smart.
In other words, how about applying the simple “doctrine of common sense.”
The truth is that being “only nice” doesn’t always pay or make sense. It certainly doesn’t always give us what we want – and it shouldn’t.
What use is a gift if we have to manipulate to get it? But neither is “being nice” always “good.” By allowing themselves to be depreciated, my clients were supporting denigration. What might have happened if the first woman had refused to suffer abuse? Her life would have improved and perhaps, her husband’s also. He might have examined the issues underlying his behaviors. When we allow abuse, we perpetuate the belief that cruelty wins. When we tolerate abuse or negativity, we affirm the very things we decry. We, weirdly enough, distort the Golden Rule.
There are a lot of ways to react to wrongness. Sometimes we have to change our own behavior so as to stop stirring up trouble. Perhaps we must exact consequences on the other – or ourselves, if we’re the one acting inappropriately. If we’re not powerful enough to establish and maintain affirming boundaries, we might need the help of an authority. Sometimes, however, we have to follow the lead of common sense, such as illustrated by my youngest son.
Gabe made an interesting observation about his dog Honey, who knows how to take care of himself when there’s danger afoot. “Mom, if he hears the toy gun cranking (and believe me, the ‘toy gun’ is closer to an Uzi than a Nerf shooter), he does one of two things. He either puts his head down and keeps walking or runs away like the wind.”
© 2009 Cyndi Dale/Essential Energy • All Rights Reserved
*Photograph 1 provided by MAMJODH
*Photograph 2 provided by hyperscholar
About the author:Cyndi Dale - is the author of The Subtle Body: An Encyclopedia of Your Energetic Anatomy, and eight other bestselling books on energy healing, including The Complete Book of Chakra Healing. She has worked with over 30,000 clients in the past 20 years. To learn more about Cyndi, her work, books and products please visit: www.cyndidale.com
22 Comments to “Essential Energy with Cyndi Dale: Beyond the Golden Rule”
The golden rule is: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Would you really want others to condone and perpetuate your abuse of yourself and others? If not, stop doing it.
The masochistic interpretation of the Golden Rule is not pleasing to the god of peace in my view.
It’s interesting how the Golden Rule, or any spiritual teaching for that matter, can be twisted and misapplied, especially by religious organizations.
For me, the Golden Rule is based on the truth that there is no real me and non-me. We are all interconnected. It’s not about manipulating others.
If the woman in the article wishes to be treated lovingly and respectfully, of course, she needs to treat herself that way first — which may mean leaving the abusive husband. Leaving not necessarily because she hates him, but because she loves herself (and the kids).
I did exactly that 10 years ago. I still love my ex, not in a romantic way, but love it is. (And I have no idea where he is.) Yes, always do unto others as you would have them do unto you, always act with love and respect, not with manipulative agenda.
Akemi
Stephen Crane -
“It was wrong to do this,” said the angel.
“You should live like a flower,
Holding malice like a puppy,
Waging war like a lambkin.”
“Not so,” quoth the man
Who had no fear of spirits;
“It is only wrong for angels
Who can live like the flowers,
Holding malice like the puppies,
Waging war like the lambkins.”
The Golden Rule is an inspiration. But how many of us can claim that we have never erred, never sinned, never strayed from our true path? Not a one of us, unless we are perhaps a mystic, endowed with self knowledge from birth. We learn from our mistakes. It is angels, as Stephen Crane so eloquently says, that do not have the worries of making an error. For us, the average individuals inhabiting this earth, the Golden Rule is a goal, but not a rule.
“do unto others, as you would have them do unto you?”
Ok, do Un-to is not the same do In-to. Here I see UN – to as un- doing things. And by un-doing things we become and allow the world to be. Therefore, we allow the world to be as we would like to be.
The statement implies that there is tension in – to doing, and that if we stop applying labels and tension to life and to others, then we too will find our lives less tense with the opportunity to find peace in being.
Also, since we undo the done, we are therefore forgiving that which was directed into the world unconsiously and disrespectfully.
Therefore,……Forgive others, as you would have them forgive you.
This is the antidote to duality that morphs unconsciousness into consciousness.
We can’t expect back what we put into others. The only thing we can expect is something different.
Common sense has seemed to dissipate because we want one system. A system that gives us the right answers. That’s why I’m not a big fan of organized religion. There are too many variables in life to live by certain rules. We have to check in with our hearts. If a person believes in God then they believe that they were created by God. We just need to check in with the heart and soul that God gave us to find the right answers.
Hi Cyndi and Evita,
I often have noticed that people do good things to others in the hopes for a reward. That kind of defies the point of doing something good. In my mind, if a person does something good for another, they do good for the sake of doing good without ever thinking of the reward. It feels good to make someone else happy.
That said, I think Cyndi raised a great point that being good also means being good to yourself. If something is not helping you, you owe to yourself to move forward. Toxic relationships are not healthy and if it is better to be free from such a relationship then by all means do so.
It seems to me that the “golden rule” contains the same essence taught in the philosophy of karma yoga in which it says that you should work without ambition, live a life of non-attachment, and treat other people right. Christ and Buddha taught the same rules because, clearly, to be able to live in a world where animalistic desires are prevalent amongst people, we need a basic moral principle to guide our way through.
I think the point is being self responsible. The golden rule creates a situation where our behavior is in reaction to others’ behavior. Shouldn’t our first obligation be to act in a way that does no harm to our fellow creatures and world? Yes, we are not angels – and are therefore not perfect, Yes we need to take care of ourselves – and therefore walk away from toxic situations, Yes, we can make mistakes – but we can also make amends. Thank you, Cyndi, for shining a light on a deceptively simple topic and showing us a depth to consider in our own lives and practice.
As with so many rules we have taken it out of context and made it a dogma without discernment.
The same misunderstanding is happening with forgiveness. Does that mean you have to condone every behavior and forget everything?
I understand that judging is not a thing to do, you can love somebody AND still no longer choose to live with them.
Religion is a human interpretation and therefore NOT to be followed blindly.
We all have a right to joyful living and if an other person does not make us joyful, we have the right to leave.
Often that will restore love and life and that is what we are here for, to always follow love and life.
Forgetting is not Forgiving. Forgetting exists and creates duality. Forgetting represes an experience into the subconscious mind to be triggered again by cycles of fate. It repeats over and over again until it is forgiven back into the light from which it emerged. Forgetting is like taking energy as hostage and putting it in a container. To Love is to set all that is repressed and repeated to a state of freedom. Forgiveness therefore releases that which has been forgotten and disrespected. Honour all Energy by processing it in the Moment as it arrives. This is Being. This is Alignment. This is Truth. This is Freedom. This is Love.
Condoning something means you are still judging it and repressing your feelings towards it. One is caught in polarization. Express your repetitive feelings, which in this case are emotions (trapped feelings), with the intention of setting them free forever. This is forgiveness. Then one can move forward without being lost in the past.
I love the spiral into forgiveness, which is an idea–maybe an energy or truth–that I’m constantly examining, trying for, and being confused by. Sometimes I think it’s a decision. Sometimes an action. Sometimes I really believe it’s a virtue with a life of it’s own, as per Plato’s Cave of Virtues in which dwells the Ideals that can only be perceived in the shadows while alive.
I agree with the need to express–release–bless–our repetitive feelings, to send them out of the circling of negativity or stuckness that continually empowers them. When I REALLY set free these feelings and my desire to hold onto them, I experience release and freedom and can now act more responsibly without even caring how someone else is going to re-act. (Another Golden Rule thinking here…) I wonder if there isn’t wisdom presented by a young man in the just-released movie, The Blind Side with Sandra Bullock and Tim McGraw. Having survived the horrors or the ghetto, a young man, adopted by a wealthy Southern family, shares the secret behind remaining innocent, pure, and open to change. DON’T READ THIS IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE MOVIE AND LEARN IN 3-D!!! Every time he was exposed to something horrifying or evil, he shut his eyes. He told himself that this would pass and he didn’t need to participate.
I know we can’t ignore what needs to change, events that call for our love and power–i.e., genocide, abuse, etc. Seems to me there would be less to forgive, however, if we simply didn’t participate in certain activities? More nourishment for thought…
Cyndi, you just said if perfectly. If we just don’t participate in the collective dream, then it vanishes. It uses your energy to maintain feelings from the past. This is why we live in an emotional state. When someone takes sides within a circle or in the collective dream, then a charge is created where an opposite point of view counters your view. It holds the circle in place till you remove your charge and need for justice. The only way out of the dream is to begin your own dream. And to dislodge your self from other people’s dreams, one simply lets go without resistance. We forgive the past to engage in the moment where dreams come true. For thousands of years we have been bullied and manipulated into supporting dreams other than our own. We are all potential creaters of our own paradise. It is a place where we resonate with our passions, which are unique to us. But to do this, we must forgive and love the illusions of the past. The feelings of the past are outdated. They no longer occur within the now and are out of context to the Moment. It is time to channel brand new. This builds new worlds by feeling good always, and without shelving one’s feelings for a later date.
Hi Cyndi,
I think you are right on with your take on the Golden Rule. For me, it’s definitely an internal process – and I “try” not to think about myself doing something only to get another thing in return. And I think that touches upon humanity, and how we are all human. What better way to “be” a part of this human race than to act with love in our actions. And in that case – love may definitely look like something where we have to step away from a bad moment, or do something that might feel hurtful to someone else (i.e. reporting child abuse – will hurt the abuser) to get to a place of something better.
Great thoughts to read today and reflect upon. Keep shining your love out into the world!
My sister just reported her son-in-law for child abuse. He got a lawyer and she can never see them again. The high road isn’t always the easy road. Some people don’t have the strength to take it.
A spiritually mature person wants nothing back for the good they do and the love they give. Yet they couldn’t keep blessings from themselves if they tried. (just my opinion)
Between the post, itself, and all the comments, I love what’s been said here. I agree that through the ages people seem to have twisted the original intent of the Golden Rule around, but that’s just my assumption. I have no proof of how the Golden Rule was intended.
I do believe, though, that who and how we are is attracted back to us in the form of complementary energies. If we feel we’re undeserving, I think we attract those people and experiences that highlight our beliefs that we’re unworthy. Likewise, when we love ourselves enough to believe we deserve the very best in life, I believe that’s what we attract to us.
Thought-provoking article; many thanks for such a good read!
What a wonderful conversation! The Golden Rule seems to have many layers, for different times in our lives and different understandings of ourselves as we continue maturing and expanding our awareness of our own states of being and how we fit into the whole tapestry of life. Forgiveness is certainly a facet, as much as selfless giving is.
The part of the conversation that struck me in particular was the advice of others about what another “should do.” My own experiences and observations have shown that so much of the advice in this vein is with the best interests of the other in mind, but what’s missing is the understanding that perhaps staying IS in the individual’s best interest. Just because one would leave, doesn’t mean that’s the same path another would feel comfortable taking. While one might seek self-preservation by leaving and searching for new pastures, another may feel that as a form of loss. One might opt for comfort while another might choose deeper knowledge of self and relationships and how all the minutia work together.
If we are to grow, to learn, to expand our understanding of how every single thing we do and think affects another, sending the ripple effects into the cosmos, then a participating in a “trouble” may be the best way to learn. Often, the greatest growth occurs as a result of the most intense hardship. Sometimes, the most loving act one can do for oneself is to withstand the hardship just long enough, using every thought-tool they can conjure to discern and assess the truths they uncover, to find the most brilliant, amazing and empowering ah-ha! moment they could ever imagine. From that point, it’s amazing how incredibly quickly new understandings occur, how rapidly the corresponding shifts occur in another (if willing), and how AMAZING the turnaround results! This has been my own experience. When love is the focus, when looking in all directions equally, Light can be found. With a focus on love, miracles happen.
Wonderful post and interesting subject to discuss in this season. I liked the discussion and the comments and wished I had learned this lesson when I was 25 and learned to express it as graciously. I also really think my life has been more like what Julie is expressing. By studying and learning from my controlling sister, I knew how to assist my youngest child in overcoming her learning problems and also figured out that my parents guide of ignoring these big problems was not a good solution. So it cost me my credentials and thousands of dollars in legal fees to create a safe zone between my sister and myself, I am so much wiser for the experience and feel that my child will have skills to use to grow from her difficulties.
I like the 4 sided look at a saying or situation…there are 4 directions so if one looks at 4 different possible ideas or interpretations they might see the greatest possibility or opportunity arise for wholeness?
Many people practice gratitude and it’s an important practice but I also see that it is a corrupted around the Law of Attraction as a reward practice. We could say the same about compassion.
In my experience, gratitude and compassion and forgiveness and many of these practices are not something we do but something we stop doing. When we stop holding on and are able to let go, we see that gratitude is as experience is the love of life, and compassion is the ability to see all points of view when we are no longer attached to our specific ones, and forgiveness is releasing the need to forgive or be forgiven.
Seen this way, it is never about what rewards we can muster out of these practices.
Thanks for an important article.
k
Thanks for this piece — I think it points to the fact that living according to the Golden Rule naturally grows out of a state of inner peace. But if we don’t have that peace, adopting the Golden Rule as a strategy isn’t going to get it for us — and that’s where I think we tend to go astray. We say “if I’m good enough, everything will be okay and I won’t have to feel so afraid.” But peace isn’t something to be earned (and I have to remember this often myself) — we can have it no matter who we’ve been or what we’ve done in the past.
HMMM, I’m learning ever so much more than I knew when I wrote this article! One line in particular really caught my thoughts, a sentence from Bernie:
“The only way out of the dream is to begin your own dream.”
I work toward this every day and have recently been thinking that dreaming should be a little more fun than I’ve let it be. It certainly is for my youngest son, who starts each day in a fresh way, almost like a new person ready for a fantastic adventure. He sees joy in the smallest and sometimes oddest of situations.
Only yesterday we were watching the cooking channel (his idea, not mine) and pretty soon, he’s convinced me to send away for the bake-a-huge cupcake tin, because “Nothing like that has ever been seen before!” Today he asked if he can write me a song for Christmas just so I have something original to remember him by. (Like he’s actually going to move away some day? He’s already planning how he’ll take over the downstairs when he’s in college.)
When a teenager, my oldest son modeled dream-making through reactivity. Cool was anything that wasn’t aligned with his mother; anything that wasn’t about mom, was cool. I remember the day he came home with a pierced ear. I told him it was marvelous, and I meant it. The earring disappeared within a few days, lost in space. Time marched forward–we both survived the “years of the grunting,” as I called them, during which time I catalogued about 63 different types of grunts and their meanings (I had to; it was his sole form of communication) and eventually, he discovered he could create a new life from the inside-to-the out, not only the outside-to-the-in. Ironically, by the time he’s done with college, we’ll have “shared” the same major, minor, and many of the same interests. He even uses a meditation tape, although he insists that he skips over the section that mentions the word “chakra,” since I write books about “that kind of nonsense.”
I think –maybe–the Golden Rule is really more about being who we really are, regardless of the stuff the stuffing comes from.
This is a fascinating topic and article indeed Cyndi. Thank you first and foremost so much for writing it.
You evoke and bring to light a situation that for many people is a way of life. Whether is a way that serves them or not, is a whole other story.
For me personally, while I definitely treat others the way I would like to be treated, I don’t do it because I hope they treat me back the same way. I do it because if we are all ONE, then technically I am treating myself how I want to be treated.
I know for some people being in a “tough” life situation equals staying and dealing with it, while for others, as for your dog it equals removing oneself from the situation.
For us as human beings, I think it boils down to a mixture of things, depending on the situation. Today knowing what I know about me, myself, life, the afterlife, chakras, energy, etc, etc… I have to say that I am not longer comfortable staying in any situations that “remove from my being”, rather than add to it. I am not saying that I would bail at the first sign of problems, but I have come to a place where I think I know enough for me when it is right to stay, and for how long to put one’s energy into dealing with something, versus when we should let the other person be, but remove ourselves from the situation. I guess it kind of is like you mention – “using our common sense”. I have learned that allowing any kind of abuse to continue on, is actually a form of abuse in itself. If we know better, we should act as the person who helps the situation…helps both parties grow and evolve.
I know that religions have played a huge part in distorting the Golden Rule, and while some people feel this is how it is meant to be, I can’t say I agree for too many reasons to mention here.
So thank you once again, for raising a very important topic, that I don’t think many people consider in the light that you have shared with us here today.